3MF

Sneezing fit

Over millions of years of evolution, the human body has gotten quite good at making essential life processes effortless and benign. I'm generally not bothered by blinking, breathing, or digesting. Even when the body is disturbed, it can respond without too much trouble by coughing or scratching. However, there is one process that brings the body to a halt. Sneezing.

The sneeze is a complicated performance. When a sneeze is coming on, the brain thinks of nothing else. One has to stop everything he is doing; even the eyes close to eliminate distractions. The head may slightly tilt back as the lungs arm themselves. When the brain gives the signal, the body explodes in a violent spasm accompanied by an unnecessarily loud sigh. Finally you need a few seconds to recover before moving on.

Is this seriously the best way to do this or has the sneeze just been overlooked by evolution? We have this elaborate defense mechanism to clear tiny particles from the nose and yet, if a bug crawls in the ear, there's no way to get it out. If pepper gets into the lungs, does it cause a sudden, painful death? Should i be worried that my body knows something i don't? It's no mystery why we say "god bless you" after sneezing and not after coughing. The former being so much more traumatic.

Why am i having this sneezing fit? Well, today i had to sneeze while i was peeing. I can think of few situations where it would be even more inconvenient. In case you are female and are not sure how the process works, let me explain. When standing before the toilet, i typically have one hand dedicated to keeping the fly open and restraining the boxers. The other hand is primarily concerned with aim. This left me with zero hands to keep the sneeze under control. I needed to come up with something quickly to avoid a mess that might be caused by the convulsion. My first thought was i wouldn't be so worried if i had a urinal installed in my apartment. This would give me a much larger target area and less change of a mess. Given the time constraints, renovating the loo was not going to work. The second option was to clamp the flow. Now urinating is another one of those bodily functions that seems to be streamlined. It just feels wrong to interfere with something that just works. Finally i decided to just take my changes. I tried to reduce the distance the stream had to travel with a slight squat and yielded to the will of the sneeze. Though it was the most risky option, i was able to pull it out with out a single rebel drop.

I've also spoken with my sister who had an unfortunate sneezing experiences as well. Hers involved a mouthful of of partially chewed Frosted Mini Wheats. Once again, exactly how one is supposed to react is unclear. As the lungs inflate with with the air it plans to blast through the nostrils, they could end up sucking the food down with it. The first instinct is to spit it out. However, my sister managed to keep the food in her mouth; and, as the air came rushing back out, pieces of the cereal flew across the table and onto the face of her friend Dave. Guys usually have a high tolerance for disgusting, but Dave admitted that was pretty bad.

Do you have any sneezing stories?

Posted by Matthew at April 11, 2004 12:13 PM